an ode to everyone’s favourite doorman:
the sober witness
precise, attentive, passionate,
yet shockingly poor drunk-dar
armed with an endless flow of water bottles
a water bottle and a warning
to the soberest of the bunch
while her friend blacks out
and vomits, ever discreetly
it’s just a bit of drugs
why so offended?
“i don’t even want to give him water!”
but what good are you, what good are any of us
if your water bottles run dry?
“I napped all night”
…Wildcards don’t sleep bro.
Always one eye open, ready to get reckless.
(Just try not to fall on your head anymore, it scares me a little.)
scaring kids since ’88
We’re going to slow it on down this winter. Polar Vortexes and Ice Storms are no time for excessive drinking!
So we’ve settled on a plan. Wine only this winter, and stay away from the bars.
But as the season goes on some of us become creative with our interpretations. Which begs the question,
Is it within the rules to drink a magnum to the face?
There are many more questions magnum consumption-related behaviour calls to the fore, to which answers may remain ever elusive. How do *I* keep ending up in the hospital when other people can’t even keep their shoes on their feet while they’re walking? Is there anything *actually* inappropriate about drinking in public? Is it okay to swear at crying babies if they’re messing up your buzz?